She has been unable to reply personally to the many hundreds of letters she received but hopes that all those who took the trouble to write will understand and be assured that their letters were much appreciated at this difficult time and will be treasured in the months to come. Mrs Emma Carmichael would like to thank you very much for your kind letter on the death of her husband. Traditionally, the wording was in the third person, for example: The card should be signed by hand, and short personal message can be added, if desired. If the bereaved person is old or infirm and has received a great many letters then it is quite acceptable to send a printed card, with the sender’s name and address on the top. It is traditional to end the letter by saying no reply is necessary.Ī response to letters of sympathy and condolence is not obligatory but many people will choose to reply in due course. If you only knew the deceased slightly and are writing to support the bereaved person, more general expressions of sympathy are appropriate.ĭon’t feel paralysed by your inability to convey deep emotions or profound insights – condolence letters are formal acknowledgments of what has happened, they are not a substitute for ongoing love and support.Ĭonventional phrases such as ‘I was so sorry to hear/read about your father.’ are perfectly acceptable. The letter should focus on the deceased, for example personal recollections, or a mention of distinguishing characteristics or great achievements. Use your natural voice the tone need not be too solemn (see example below). Some people may write to the family member of their own generation they know best, or indeed to more than one person.
Letters are written to the individual closest to the deceased, who may be a spouse, partner, parent or sibling. This is a lazy cop-out, allowing you to rely on the card to convey emotions that you should strive to articulate and communicate yourself. Write promptly after the death is announced and resist the temptation to simply purchase a generic card of the ‘with deepest sympathy’ variety. As always, the very act of writing and the trouble you have taken – choosing the stationery, wielding the pen and ink, addressing the envelope, buying a stamp – sends a strong, yet subliminal message, of concern and empathy.
However, there are some customs that are still extremely valuable, and even in an age of texting, email and social media a handwritten letter of condolence is still recognised as an indispensable and time-honoured way of conveying your thoughts and good wishes to a bereaved person. Today, we have dispensed with many of these trappings, aiming instead at an open, tolerant approach to the procedures surrounding death, allowing people to devise their own ways of mourning and memorialising their loved ones. The Victorians fetishised mourning, amassing a sombre array of customs and conventions (mourning clothes, elaborate funerals, black-edged stationery and so on) that – in an era of high mortality, especially amongst children – helped them get through frequent bereavements.
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